jokes

No more jokes on this blogs any more: I will do a really blog, and I will tell something about soccer. But, saw that my knowledge about soccer is very, very bad, maybe my post will be considered a joke, hoping at least a good one.

As I almost said, I don’t understand very much about soccer, I’m happy if the team I support winm, but I’m not sad if my team lost. I have watching some matches of European soccer championship, and yesterday evening I saw the match Germany vs. Turkey, where Germany won 3:2. Nice match, very dynamic, exciting, with five goals. At the end, I reflected about (yes, from time to time, I use my brain): the turks in the last tree matches played very bad, but they had a lot of luck because they outride their adversaries in the last minutes of the playing time, having a really grate fortune. They give the best performance against Germany, and they lost the duel. As like in the real life: you never know why some things happen, but at the end there is some justice, some logic in the mode in which the things realize.

The Germans are the usually team that don’t gleam too much, but go ahead in some manner. The only player I like is Schweinsteiger, and I didn’t understand why Ballack is considered a great player; I never see him playing good.

One curiosity: do you know what does Schweinsteiger mean in German? “Schwein” means “pork”, while “steiger” means “ranker”: very nice second name!

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:

- "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language:
- "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said:
- "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said: "You know how fast you were going BOY?!?"

Bob thought for a second and asked: "Uhhh, over 55?"

"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"

"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"

Ignoring him, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion: "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at the Bob and said: "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob recanted: "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said: "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"

"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob.

"What you say, BOY?!?", asked the patrolman.

"I'm an asshole stretcher!"

Of course the cop asked: "What does an asshole stretcher do?"

Bob explained: "People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked: "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?"

Bob nonchalantly commented: "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

---

A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his bike. The cop says to the kid:
- "Nice bike you got there. Santa bring that to you?"
- "Yeah."
- "Tell Santa next year to put a taillight on that bike."
- "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
- "Yeah."
- "Well, tell Santa next year to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

The mother of a 17 year old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh: "Mum, you don't have to worry about! I'm dating Susan!"

A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.

The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.

It was her husband. He says: "How's the new cell phone?"

She replied: "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

NO BRAIN - NO PAIN!

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - - ("com-for-da-bul" )

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get out coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says! .......... "HEBREWS"