jokes

Today in Milan snows and I feel a little sad, not for the snow which I like very much, but for so many bad things that happen in this world. The last days happened one thing that I must say my opinion about. So this blog also becomes a little personal web log and not only transcription of jokes and fun stories that I’m receiving via e-mail from friends.

So, January 27 is the day of memory of the Shoah, the extermination of the Jews happened before, during and after the Second World War. Of this part after the war, speaks little, and not many are aware that in the Soviet gulag were exterminated millions of Jews, some even argue that Stalin have killed more Jews then Hitler, but this is not the issue that I want to talk about.

I state that I’m not Jew and that I’m not even religious (if I were, I would be Catholic). Two, three days before the day of memory, Pope Ratzinger (Benedict XVI) has revoked the excommunication of the Lefebvre’s bishop negationist Williamson, who was excommunicated for the fact that he denied the existence of the Holocaust, arguing that the gas chambers were used for reasons of hygiene and not to exterminate the Jews. After, I heard the denials, and apologies from the pope, the bishops and other ecclesiastical responsibilities.

But who has read the statements, understood everything. Williamson has apologized to the church to have caused all this turmoil media, but has not withdrawn his thesis on the Holocaust. And also the fact that the pope has condemned the denial clearly I am not convinced a fact. Ratzinger is an intelligent person and precise, as are the Germans in general, and I am sure that this thing, made a few days before the day of remembrance has been targeted. Why, I can’t explain it to me, but that it was intended, I repeat, I am sure. To say that this is an oversight, a coincidence, that is, any explanation I am not back. Ugly, really ugly, but unfortunately the church on one side and say certain things on the other side does just the opposite facts.

Friar John enters in the ‘monastery of the silence’ and the superior tells him:
“Brother this is a silent monastery. Here you are welcome. You can stay as long as you want but you can’t speak until I tell you to speak “.
Friar John lived in the monastery a hole year before his superior told him:
“Brother John you have been here for a year. Now you can tell two words”.
Friar John answered: “Hard bed”.
“I’m sorry to hear that – told the Superior- We will give you immediately a better bed”.
The year after Friar John was called once again by his Superior.
“Today you can tell other two words friar John”.
“Cold food” told friar John and the Superior assured him that in the future the food will be better, and hot.”
On his third anniversary in the monastery the Superior called him once again in his office:
“Today you can tell two words”.
“I’m going away” told Friar John.
“It’s better – commented the Superior – since you’ve been here you was the pain in the ass!”.

I hope you like it. It's the bets joke I heard this year, and I liked to divide it with you. I received this joke via e-mail in my office, from my friend and business partner; obviously, he has nothing to do.

John's girlfriend was having a holloween party. Since her parents were out of town for the weekend, this could be a good time to make-out, so john grabs his batman custom and a condom. John is a bit disappointed that his grielfriend didn't bother to dress up. Instead she wear a tight red dress. Feeling horny, john rushes her upstair. before they begun, she said.
"Did you bring a condom?"
He nods his head. They made the most passionate hot sex ever. John was amazed.
"That was great."
"I know," replied his girlfriend
"Theses people here at your party are really dress-up. Why didn't you dress-up?"
"I did."
"What?"
"I look just like my daughter."
John bit his lips then threw her the unwrapped condom, and then he replied: "I guess we're both fucked."

No more jokes on this blogs any more: I will do a really blog, and I will tell something about soccer. But, saw that my knowledge about soccer is very, very bad, maybe my post will be considered a joke, hoping at least a good one.

As I almost said, I don’t understand very much about soccer, I’m happy if the team I support winm, but I’m not sad if my team lost. I have watching some matches of European soccer championship, and yesterday evening I saw the match Germany vs. Turkey, where Germany won 3:2. Nice match, very dynamic, exciting, with five goals. At the end, I reflected about (yes, from time to time, I use my brain): the turks in the last tree matches played very bad, but they had a lot of luck because they outride their adversaries in the last minutes of the playing time, having a really grate fortune. They give the best performance against Germany, and they lost the duel. As like in the real life: you never know why some things happen, but at the end there is some justice, some logic in the mode in which the things realize.

The Germans are the usually team that don’t gleam too much, but go ahead in some manner. The only player I like is Schweinsteiger, and I didn’t understand why Ballack is considered a great player; I never see him playing good.

One curiosity: do you know what does Schweinsteiger mean in German? “Schwein” means “pork”, while “steiger” means “ranker”: very nice second name!
If you don't care about soccer, meybe you are more interested in sex pictures.

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:

- "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language:
- "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said:
- "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said: "You know how fast you were going BOY?!?"

Bob thought for a second and asked: "Uhhh, over 55?"

"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"

"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"

Ignoring him, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion: "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at the Bob and said: "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob recanted: "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said: "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"

"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob.

"What you say, BOY?!?", asked the patrolman.

"I'm an asshole stretcher!"

Of course the cop asked: "What does an asshole stretcher do?"

Bob explained: "People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked: "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?"

Bob nonchalantly commented: "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

---

A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his bike. The cop says to the kid:
- "Nice bike you got there. Santa bring that to you?"
- "Yeah."
- "Tell Santa next year to put a taillight on that bike."
- "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
- "Yeah."
- "Well, tell Santa next year to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

The mother of a 17 year old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh: "Mum, you don't have to worry about! I'm dating Susan!"